Funny Messages

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away,  come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist


Your smile can be compared to a flower, ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo, ur innocence to a child,  but in stupidity u have no comparison you r the best.


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I saw u on road today. U were lukin so fine, ur face so divine, ur walk so perfect. My heart started  singing a sweet song: Who Let The Dog Out!


I have started luving 'U'... I know it sounds rediculous but I can't control my feelings 4 'U'. 
Some time later I'll start luving more ALPHABETS..


Think big, think smart, think positive, think beautiful, think great, I know this is too much for you,  so here is a shortcut... just think about ME!


Today, tommorow and yesterday there'll be one heart that would always beat for you. You know Whose? Your Own Stupid.


Sometime my mind asks why I miss you? Why I care for you? Why I remember you? Then my heart answers  it's simply because mental patient needs more care


Q: What's the difference between gud & bad gals? A: Gud gals loosen a few buttons when its hot,  bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!


A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing ur belt around ur knee.?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt. 


Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome you are, it is not your figure too, beauty is the inner self, so change your underwear daily. 


Jab tum hanstey ho to lagta hai ki insaan pehle bandar tha!
Dekho gussa mat karo kyonki jab tum gussa karte ho to lagta hai ki insaan aaj bhi bandar hai.


Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming 2 her husband, Darling,  Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.


A young man asks a kind priest: Father is it a sin to sleep with a girl?
Father: No my child but the problem is that u guys never sleep


Be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top.


Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.


Look at the world around u; u’ll see God's creativity. Look at the breakfast table; u’ll c God's providence.  Look at the mirror u’ll c God's sense of humor.


God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law. 


 I want you 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry Ii cry. U lauf I lauf. U jump out of the window... I look down &then... I lauf again

India Pakistan Jokes...

Happy Independence Day...

A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks, "So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah."

The Indian continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Pakistani.

The Pakistani says : "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian.

The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!"

Due to the tension in India-Pakistan border, the Customs officials in India were warned of possible smuggling of guns from Pakistan into India . A man came to the border from Pakistan on a motorcycle with two bags tied on each sides of the cycle and he was stopped!

"What are you carrying?" asked the officials. He replied, "Just sand!" "OK, open it the bags! Lets see!" He did and it contained nothing but sand.

After 2 days, the motorcycle man was again on the border. "What are you carrying now?" asked the officials. He said, "Just sand!".

"OK, open it! Lets see!"

Again, nothing but sand! And so it went for several many days.

Soon after the war was over and everything was fine, sometime later one of the officials met the man with the bicycle in a market. "Hey you! We are sure you were smuggling something but always the bags had sand! What was it that you were smuggling?"

"Motor cycles!" he replied...

Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face. Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. 

"We'll continue this talk Next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister.

Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the appointment stands. A week later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in the Prime Minister's Office. As Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing...really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing. Musharraf doesn 't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but

Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Pakistan " Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) -
" PAKISTAN?? WHAT PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE??"

Two Pakistanis boarded a plane for Washington. One took the window seat, the other sat on the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a fat Sardarji got on & took the aisle seat next to them. He kicked of his shoes, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up & get a coke." "No problem," said the Sardar, "I'll get it for u." While he was away, the Pakistani picked up the shoe & spat in it. When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good.I think I'll have one too." Again, the Sardar obligingly went to fetch it. And while he was gone, the Pakistani picked up the other shoe & spat in it. The Indian returned with the coke & they all sat back & enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," the Sardar asked, with pain and sorrow. "This enmity between our people... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes & pissing in the cokes!"

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search he could not find any, Eventually couldn't control and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself. Once he had just started, a police official approached him, Hey What do you think you're doing here? Pakistani tourist: sorry I have to "P" Police: No PP here okay? Follow me...

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.... Police: PP here.. have a nice day police said. Pakistani tourist: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this

Indian courtesy? Police: No... this is Pakistani Embassy...

A Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, & he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, and piss into a bucket and leave it in his basement for a week. Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better.

He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says," Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bucket and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news."I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the doctor.

"YOU WERE JUST HOMESICK"!!!

Santa Banta Jokes

Santa Singh at the Temple 

Santa Singh needed some money desperately. Some one told him that if goes and prays at Gurudwara, Mosque, Church and a temple, that his prayers will surely be answered. So Santa goes to a Gurudwara, and prays there. Than he goes to a Mosque and prays there. Than he goes to a church and prays there.
Then he goes to a temple. The temple had a large statue. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands
 and says his prayer. Santa: Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho (You are great and you are big). Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye (I need 100 rupees). Kirpa karo (show your mercy). The priest saw Santa praying. He wanted to help Santa, but knew that a Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100 rupee note, from behind the statue,  so that Santa Can not see him. After Santa had said his prayers , and opened his eyes. He saw the note and thought that god has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and goes away. However he is back again next  day for money. Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa. Priest is a bit annoyed and decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa. He changes the big statue with smaller one that day.
Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes,
 bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer. Santa: Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho
(You are great and you 2are big). Ajj to saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye (I only need 50 rupees today).
Kirpa karo (show your mercy). After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. Santa: O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho (You are great and you are big). Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge.(I will manage in 10 rupees). Kirpa karo jee. (show your mercy). After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly raises his head and now notices  that small statue. He carefully looks left and than right, and than slowly moves a bit forward near the statue. Than he whispers to the statue: Oye puttar, Papa kitthon hai (Son, where is your dad)

Cricket life in the heaven

Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics.  They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the Cricket life in the heaven.  Santa Singh dies first.  One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him.  He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.  "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?"  Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night match here in heaven.  And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!"

Brain tumor

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street.  All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on.  The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baarat.  So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?" .....  comes the reply, "Ha ji !  Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!!  Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!"

Test

Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic.  One of them was crying like anything.  So the other asked,"Why are you crying?"  The first one replied, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked,"So?  Are you afraid?"  First one replied,"No, not that.  During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying.The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"  The other replied,"I have come for my urine test."

Freedom fighters

Surd Freedom Fighters Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.  They were planning for free Punjab.  Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..  we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"  That was a difficult question indeed.  Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem!  we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."  All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.  Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.  The surd replied,
"OH!  THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT..WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"

Kidnapper 

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.  In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.  He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."  The Sardarji then wrote a note saying:  "I've kidnapped your kid.  Tomorrow morning, put Rs100000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground". Signed, "A Sardarji".  The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.  The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.  The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs100000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

God... please undo

A Man Was Complaining.. Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, mean time my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home
I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the petrol pump, cashes a heck, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, goes through the car wash, drops the overdue movies off @ blockbuster, and quickly goes to the market.

It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in,
he vacuumed the house, mopped up the Kool-Aid, cleaned the bathrooms, made the beds, made some rice,
 and went to pick up the kids from school & had an argument with the kids on the way home.

As soon as he got home he gave the kids a snack, washed the dirty dishes, he folded the clothes he had washed. He helped the kids with their homework, listened to the TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, washed the dinner dishes, gave the kids a bath, cleaned their rooms, and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again:

Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please undo... switch me back to myself, please oh please.

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:

Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail,
you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant!

GALIYAAN- a very touching poetry by ASHOK CHAKRADHAR.

Corporate lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Raj, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Raj says, i can give you Rs5000 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Raj. After a few seconds, Raj hands
her Rs5000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that? It was Raj the next door neighbor, she replies.  great the
husband says,  Did he say anything about the Rs5000 he owes me?

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129? The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129? The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, i'll give each of you just one wish.
Me first! Me first! says the admin. clerk. I want to be at Goa, driving a speedboat, without a care in the a world. Poof! Shes gone.
Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Kingfisher and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.
OK, youre up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A Rabbit asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.Well, why dont you nibble on my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Corporate Lesson 6

Rohit woke up one fine morning with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rohit looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
 His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, Son, what happened last night?
His son says,Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.
Totally Confused, Rohit asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!
His son replies, Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said ,hey !!!!!!! leave me alone i m married!

Moral:-Breakfast” Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover” Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture” Rs. 20,000.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!